wrestling with God (400th post!)

the other day, I mentioned that I had MEANT to talk about my recent struggles with anger and forgiveness...but ended up somewhere else entirely. :) so, attempt no.2!

the passage in genesis 32 about jacob wrestling with God was on my heart for a period of time when I was struggling with my hurt and disappointment. it was because of something a friend had mentioned while praying for me, and it just stuck with me during my devotion time.

For reference's sake, here's the passage:

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."

But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

The man asked him, "What is your name?"

"Jacob," he answered.

Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."

But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

What I find exceptional about the passage are two things:
1) Jacob's reckless desire to be blessed...it strikes me as desperate.
2) It is during this painful struggle that Jacob witnesses God - this is where he encounters God face to face.

While I was hurting, I was also very confused with God's plan...I couldn't understand why He would take something away from me that appeared to be so blessed by Him in the first place. in my heart, I fought with God...I didn't know why He had allowed for my spirit to be so broken. but as I struggled with these questions - my wrestling with God became something else entirely. I cried out to Him to teach me how to forgive...and how to not let my anger eat me up. like Jacob, I desperately wanted to be blessed - I wanted God to teach me how to honour Him through this ordeal.

And the beauty of it is...His grace and mercy was what got me through it all. I realized the futility of my anger - what can be sown from that anyway? only a greater sense of regret. God showed me that there is possibility of so much more...and He is the only one able to translate my pain into something that can bring glory to Him.


To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. - Isaiah 61:3

my own c.s lewis song

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. - C.S Lewis
(Thanks J for sharing that quote - you weren't only speaking to Sunday School students...but Sunday School teachers too!)

What are the implications on my life when I make the choice to follow Christ? For me, I made that choice long ago, and it was, as koosters would call it, an "emotional conversion". Thinking back, I don't think I knew exactly what I was getting myself into - but I do recall an overwhelming sense of love and security. The knowledge that I was unconditionally loved was powerful (and continues to be), and I knew that I desired to know more about this God who had given His Son's life for mine.

Growing up in the church, there is definitely a sense of "knowing it all". After all, I'm a graduate of many a Sunday School class and VBS sessions, and for the most part, listened carefully to sermons. But for a large portion of my Christian walk, there was still a schism between who I was, how I lived, what my dreams were, and...being a Christian. as much as I knew that I was a Christian, it still did not mean much for how I behaved at school or how I spent my money. it's so natural to not think twice about this - and I'm not saying that I behaved much differently outside of church (cuz I think, for most of us, the difference isn't necessarily so dramatic), but my belief in God rarely factored into everyday decisions.

(Wow, this is turning out longer than I expected. I started writing this to address my struggle with anger and forgiveness...but hmmm, another post for that then)

The more I learn about this amazing Grace that's been offered to me, the more I appreciate c.s lewis' words. to live faithfully for my God, to respond to the gift of life that's been granted to me freely, I need to look at the world through His eyes. I need to make every decision, whether big or small, with the mindset of wanting to glorify and honour His name.

the difficulty of this lies in making decisions that may be socially unconventional. it may mean not buying a car, not living in the suburbs, travelling less, more time spent at home/in the community vs. at work, eating locally, reading more, picking a less well-paid job position...

maybe this is what means to love God from the inside out...I've always wondered about that line in "to the ends of the earth", where it writes: "I would give the world to tell Your story". maybe in order to share the love of Christ, we need to give up our desires for worldly things - even when it causes us discomfort, embarrassment, and funny looks.

seasons

The other day, I got to talking to koosters about the impact of the season EPs that Jon Foreman has been releasing throughout the year. So far, there’s been Fall, Winter, and Spring, and both of us are anticipating Summer with great excitement.

The EPs have been made available through iTunes, and through popular demand, the Fall/Winter EPs were released as one album. Both koosters and I have been listening to them from the beginning, and as we talked about the sheer awesomeness of these songs, I realize how important they have been to my spiritual walk throughout this year (and the latter chunk of 2007). The beauty of these EPs is in their simple musical arrangements...they are a wonderful contrast to the “normal” switchfoot sound – no crazy experimentation with noise, no energetic build-ups of brass/drums, no catchy electric guitar riffs. if you love the more reflective side to switchfoot’s music (epitomized by ‘on fire’ or ‘24’, amongst many), you will indeed love these EPs. Jon's voice sounds more heartbreaking and vulnerable than ever...(I would take him over Damien Rice any day!) , and yet also reach some awe-inspiring highs that will give you definite goosebumps (exemplified in fall’s ‘the cure for pain’). The arrangements are bare – many times, it’s just Jon and his acoustic guitar, some haunting background vocals, and gorgeous cello work. In these EPs, he’s also found room for some forgotten instruments in the rock world – oboes, trombones, alto saxes....and it’s all just enough magic and melancholy to make you want to keep listening on, and on, and on...

At the heart of it, it’s Jon’s lyricism that’s always impressed me. It’s terribly hard to find thoughtful Christian music, and I never feel like he’s dumbing down his thoughts/reflections. He so openly discusses his struggles with God in song, and it is almost like spying on someone’s prayers (I’m really trying to explain this in the least creepy way possible). The music he’s written have been a source of great comfort during times of sorrow, and also a great grounding device when I have become too occupied with the world’s concerns and forgotten about what God cares about.

From the Spring EP – Your love is strong

Heavenly Father, You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
You give me the food I need to live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation, deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window, the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I look at the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is,
Your love is,
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong and you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is,
Your love is,
Your love is strong

the magic of "tong"

on sunday night, I started feeling unwell...and that only worsened throughout the night and on monday morning. the worst part was, it made me really angry because it was the first of my 2 weeks off before starting work again, and I was stuck being sick!

I realize that when I'm sick, I revert back to being 6 years old. I whine more than I should, stay in bed all day, and if I move, I bring my bed with me (pillow + blankie). I drank an insane amount of water, and my sister also bought me gatorade cuz my brother thought I might be dehydrated. but at the end of the day, what I really wanted and craved for was some homemade tong to cure my pains.

I don't really see myself as someone who is terribly traditional, but there's something about tong (all the better if it's made by my mom) that is true comfort food. I don't dig the stuff that's too herbal, but in all seriousness, I would drink any tong that my mom makes me :)

David Cook - Always be my baby

I'm not an AI follower, at least not since Kelly Clarkson's season...but the other night, I couldn't help but tune in because it was Mariah Carey night. And geez, who am I kidding? I love me some Mariah. (And even better when people are trying to ruin it!)

The guys obviously had it rough...especially since a couple of them don't exactly fit the pop/r&b mold. david cook was one of these contestants (whom I'd only previously known as the "chris daughtry of this season"...) and his interpretation of "always be my baby" was quite simply, kickass.

more thoughts on growing up

the prospect of a full-time job is kinda scary to me...and for the first time ever, I feel like I'm actually stepping into position that I can really stay with post-grad. (don't worry, I still want to go to law school...just gotta earn some funds so that I can actually go)

while on that walk I was talking about the other day, I also thought about how...at this point of my life, I had wanted certain things. you know, typically, those goals that one might want to achieve by a certain age...and for the first time, I was scared that some of my goals were lagging behind. it was this displeasure with "how far I've come" - (i'm trying hard to think of an analogy at the moment...and am failing miserably). it lead me to think about - are people ever really satisfied about where they are in life? will there ever be a moment where you just feel completely content with where you are?

the more I thought about this, the more I realize my own need for God's grace and God's time. I'm, after all, not the maker of my life...the goals that I lamented not achieving; they were never mine to lament about in the first place. what I do need to learn is how to live faithfully for God above, according to the guidance of the Word.

Our God in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name above all names
Your kingdom come, Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

a beautiful day

today was one of those perfectly careless days (and also snerk's bday! hope you're having a splendid & lazy one!) where my goal was to do nothing :) yesterday, I handed in my near 30 pager of a report...and dang, it feels good to be done. and proud of the work.

turns out today was also one of those gorgeous vancouver days where you really do forget that the rain loves our city. I spent the morning watching a few episodes of 'how I met your mother', and then headed out with the wormball for some careless fun. (apparently, our idea of fun is going to the library...and steveston too, but still)
when we got back, I started reading richard yates' "revolutionary road" and then went for a walk on river road...which is why i'm blogging in the first place.

while on my walk, I started thinking about growing up. the last few weeks have been tumultuous, full of great highs and great lows...and some serious reflective writing sessions. I feel like everything that's happened in the last 3 weeks could have taken the span of at least a few months...and the fast forwarding motion can't help but force me to grow up, at least a little. I remember that a couple of years back, I teased about turning 30 years old on my bday instead of 20...but beyond housekeeping chores, finances, being responsible for the well being of others (which I suppose were all things that made me feel 30), what does it mean to be growing up?

i've come to the realization that it might have something to do with the holy spirit. in my everyday existence, I consistently come to crossroads, as we each do while making decisions. for the majority of the time, it's quite clear what God would want...and yet I may make a different choice. maybe "growing up" is in those moments where you acknowledge your desire to make the poorer choice, but you choose God's call instead. I feel like all decisions may come down to whether we strive to be open-handed or not - whether that's in how we choose to spend our money, how we treat those around us, or how we use our time. perhaps listening to the spirit's call and being obedient is the true measure of growing up...

portal into the anywhere (wormball speaking)

there is a portal at the terra nova wall that is shaped like a large ring. the name of it is "light ring".

at night, it is supposed to glow, but i think it stopped doing that. or only half of it is glowing. if you step through it, you can travel (conceptually) through time/place. (:

clinging to the cross - tim hughes & brooke fraser

My soul is weak, my heart is numb,
I cannot see, but still my hope is found in You.
I hold on tightly, You will never let me go,
For Jesus, You will never fail,
Jesus, You will never fail.

Simply to the cross I cling,
Letting go of all earthly things,
I'm clinging to the cross.
Mercy's found a way for me,
Hope is here as I am free,
Jesus, You are all I need;
I'm clinging to the cross.

Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord,
So light the way and lead me home -
To that place where every tear is wiped away:
For Jesus, You will never fail,
Jesus, You will never fail.

"I wrote this song in '94..."

while thinking about this particular post, I almost immediately thought about chappelle and his bit on the show re: tupac...I tried youtubing it but they've taken all his show's segments off! darn.

I was talking to a friend earlier about "more older" music (pretty funny too, cuz NKOTB made a comeback this morning on the today show...), and just got thinking about the artists that I listened to a lot during the 90s. I went through so many phases...I had an r&b/hip hop phase where I listened to a lot of TLC (RIP Left Eye), Mary J. Blige, Boyz II Men, Jodeci (and later as K-ci & Jojo...but did that really "count" as a cohesive musical unit? You tell me.), The Fugees, Lauryn Hill (first album I ever bought with my own money!), Tupac...

Then I had my alt-rock stage where it was all about the foo fighters, incubus (oh brandon boyd...), weezer, green day (I shouldn't count punk as alt rock)...

And of course, between all of that was an unabashed love for the spice girls :)

blogs like these that make me wonder - what happened to all those one-hit-wonders that I liked so much? whatever happened to chumbawumba after that gawdawful song?

feel free to add on to my list with your memories of the 90s music scene - and one-hit-wonders that you loved!

note: I did not like that chumbawumba song. I just wonder where that "band" is now...playing weddings maybe?