idiosyncrasies

confession:

Sometimes I get confused about whether I am actually awake or not. I'd be walking to work, and I'd realize that what I feel at the moment is very much like a dream. Most of the time, this makes me lament how tired and coffee-deprived I am. On other occasions, I just close my eyes and pretend that I really am dreaming.

home is where the heart is?

I’ve always had trouble figuring out where “home” was.

The facts are these:
I was born in Hong Kong.
Immigrated to Montreal when I was 6.
Moved from Montreal to Vancouver when I was 14.

Whenever people would ask me what I consider home, I never really know how to answer. On one level, home is most definitely here in Vancouver. But if you factor out family, friends, and community (you know, who needs them anyway?), and if I base my decision strictly on geography and cityscape…I’d have a much harder time.

I really believe people can have genuine relationships with the places they live in…
For example, there’s nothing like walking down a familiar street or making a trip to your go-to coffee shop to cure the blues. You grow to love or hate the public transportation system…find your own nook at the public library…and get those butter cookies you always get when you go for swimming lessons.

Here are some of the things that make Montreal home for me:
- Riding the metro: I’ve been traveling the city ever since I was 11…it felt like there wasn’t anywhere I couldn’t go.
- Saint Denis/Mont Royal: This was church street/neighbourhood. If my friends and I had no plans…we would wander around the boutiques, eat apple pie a la mode at Rockaberry’s, go on the swings at this dinky little park
- Champlain Mall…the “Richmond Centre” of the suburb I’m from. That was my first real mall experience…and my first ever meal at a Tiki Ming (My mom thought it would be funny to eat American Chinese food…let’s just say it only happened once), and where I bought my first CD (The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, fyi). As a treat, my mom would occasionally let me pick candy from Sweet Factory…:)

I’ll write about Vancouver in another blog…but I gotta say, I feel pretty lucky to be familiar with several cities instead of just one. Who said you can only have one home?

the little things

fat worm, wormball and I were on our way to alleluia for ha mmm cha today. when we reached granville and minoru, I glanced over to the next car from the passenger's seat (I enjoy spying on other cars). as bad luck would have it, I witnessed a chinese man in his 40s digging his finger into his left nose hole. may I emphasize the DIGGING.

"gahhh!!!", I exclaimed. and because our entire family LOVES a good train wreck (especially those that involve poo - nose poo in this case), we all looked over and stared as we waited at the red light. the dude didn't notice...because he totally started digging with TWO FINGERS...up BOTH NOSE HOLES.

"gaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!", we all exclaimed, bursting into simultaneous laughter.

compromises

As some of you may know, I’m not exactly loving my job at the moment. I had been in radio for so long, and loved it so much that any different was sure to be a disappointment. I do appreciate the opportunity to do some television as part of my contract, but…it’s just not the same!

I sometimes glance into cafes on my way to work or during my break and think about how nice it might be to do some “thinkless” work. Work where you just go in, do it, and leave without having to take anything home with you. As much as working at Starbucks was…not the greatest job in the world, I did actually enjoy talking to people, making coffee, and cleaning. And often, I crave to go back to that kind of work…but I do realize that if I did that day after day, I would probably get bored too.

I’m guessing the desire to do something else other than your day job is pretty universal…even if it’s for a little while.

Sidenote: I feel supremely overloaded with Obama coverage and will pass on commenting on the craziness that was inauguration. What did stand out for me is how the entire world just stopped to observe this historic moment…at work, we spent a good half an hour watching the preamble and the speech itself.

the iron man effect

I’ve officially been “Iron-manned”. Wow…that was unintentionally dirty.
When this May “blockbuster” first came out, I had pretty much zero interest in it…my impression was that it would be similar to Transformers, an “all show no substance” kind of film. Frankly, I’ve never REALLY seen Robert Downey Jr. in much of anything, other than loving him on Ally McBeal (Gosh, I used to watch that show). So…the saliva-inducing, knees-shaking effect he has on women in general, I didn’t totally GET.

Fast forward a few months and I start reading actual reviews…and got curious at why the film was so well-loved by everyone. And why 2008 was really RDJ’s year to shine. Having no previous knowledge of the Iron Man mythology, I finally watched it the other night.

I’m now a believer. Convert. Late bandwagon jumper…whatever you want to call it.

It made me laugh, made me squirm, made me think…made me feel like a kid again. A kid who gets completely sucked in by movie magic…thinking “HOW DID THEY DO THAT?” on more than one occasion.

RDG was so charming, hilarious, magnetic, and friggin PERFECT for the role. He plays the “I’m an ass – so what?” role so well, but also manages to convince you that he’s genuinely struggling with some serious moral dilemmas. And yep, he’s oh so dreamy too.

The film also made me realize that man-made heroes are infinitely superior to heroes with superpowers. It’s so much more interesting to watch a superhero film unfold in a world rooted in present-day reality…one that me and you like living in. (So I don’t know if The Dark Knight totally fits under that bill…I certainly would not want to live in Gotham.)

Which leads me to ask you which you liked more: Iron Man or The Dark Knight?

little miss serious

I'm usually very good with lists...I love coming up with them, following them, checking items off. My most favourite kind of list are the ones about things that I love, things that bring me joy.

Coming up with them is a hoot, because I get to think about all the things that bring a smile on my face...a rather navel-gazing exercise; but one that makes me happy nonetheless. But I'm starting to think that these lists...are inevitably fleeting in the long run.

The other night, my mom told me that it's hard for her to joke around with me. She compared me to a teacher (I'm sorry to all my teacher/soon to be teacher friends) and said that I'm very...serious. I frankly can't blame her...whenever I'm out with her, I don't tend to be particularly cheery, and I'm usually kinda quiet. And actually, on the night that she told me this, I was really trying very hard to hold back tears. So...I would say she hit it on the ball. I wouldn't want to hang out with me either.

I can usually put on a good face with friends - I'll talk about not too personal things and get away with being at least slightly fun due to my dark humour and ability to rant/rave about city life and pop culture. but when I'm with my mom...I suppose I feel like I can just be me: boring little me who wears sadness like a badge of honour. And gosh! My mom is right...I AM a drag...and I'm getting tired of that too. (Unrelated sidenote: Damien Rice is playing on my itunes as I'm writing this...just happened to pop up on my shuffle...how appropriate)

What I'm saying is...I don't want to rely on those lists to make me happy anymore. I want to feel genuine joy...I want to be able to cry, because I've just been unable to even do that...to express the darkness within. I want to come home, God.

breathless

how long
how long can I hold my breath?

I try to swallow down
this lone wish
this quiet anger
and I fail

you are suffocating me

"all along I thought I was learning how to take, how to bend not how to break, how to laugh not how to cry, but really I've been learning how to die..."

sunday poetry

action
is my new word for the new year
the word that God is writing, engraving on my heart

there is so much that I know
that I think, ponder, reflect
and write about

but what to do with this knowledge
this ongoing learning
about a very unjust world
unjust ways of living, false truths

but no matter how much I KNOW
about how oppressed and marginalized someone is
why he or she is trapped in vicious cycles of poverty, and sickness
whether it is a young orphan girl in darfur
or the man panhandling at the corner of cambie and georgia
I only just KNOW

I resolve to DO
no, I will DO
I will, create ways to
physically, emotionally, spiritually
touch someone

share the love of Christ in simple ways
even if they may be band-aid solutions
because God's love is not only something to philosophize, intellectualize about
but it is relational
and I must relate
I will relate