keeping your sh*t together

"Could have been a lot worse..."

That pretty much sums up my Christmas.

Here's my attempt at a straightforward account of what happened this past week...no fancy embroidering, no emo-ness attached. Simply...just what happened.
Monday began in a lovely way - had a few friends over for a holiday breakfast, which ended up being a very serious and challenging discussion about family responsibilities and finding balance in our lives due to aforementioned responsibilities. Then, it was a few tough days at work, because...guess what? People are on holiday and don't want to be available to talk about the interesting current affairsy things we'd like them to talk about. To top it off, I got sick on the 23rd and it hit hard on Christmas Eve and Christmas. With the meds, symptoms, and many episodes of Pushing Daisies...I could barely tell time. Nonetheless, I cooked a Christmas meal bonanza for two families (I wore one of those cold/flu/H1N1/H5N1 masks that see lais like) on Dec 26th. I ate quietly and tried to be hospitable.

Sometimes, I think the holidays are about putting on your best gameface...and this year was a prime example of that. So much is about going through the motions and getting things done that you end up not feeling relaxed at all, and all you end up wanting to do is crawl up in your bed and sleep. I don't even really want to think anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for meaning in all of this...and yes, I know Christmas is about the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ...but the beauty and simplicity of that fact is not striking a chord in me right now. I know it's true but it isn't...resonating. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in constant evaluation mode - trying to determine how I can fix my life, make it more purposeful...and I'm stuck there. Perpetually evaluating and not living.

food porn - taiwan beef noodle king

gah...

it's a rut down here, I tells ya.

where grief burns over past and lack of future...where you constantly question whether you deserve breath at all - because, what in the world have you actually accomplished?
Waking up becomes a tangible reminder of how stuck you are - in this realm of personal responsibility and filial duty, where every step ahead often is one step back in what your heart is longing for.

And this rut of grief takes up so much space - so much noise - so much breath - that I've lost the ability to recognize or acknowledge my own heartbeat.

Need space, need silence, need life.

food porn - homemade okonomiyaki

sunday poetry

sing out, sing out
all your inhibitions popping out of your mouth
grenades of melody
letting out your fright
your worry
your love

food porn - gyo-o

perhaps it was the high expectations, but gyo-o fell short for me.
The Kaisen Don below, which cost $12.95, was slim pickings. Ichiro's Chirashi Don is still Top Dog in my books.

I will return to try their variety of Bukkake Udons...but I found the Gyoza King spin-off overrated (not to mention expensive).


kaisen don (similar to chirashi don)


bukkake udon (mentaiko + half cooked hotspring egg)


takoyaki