the future is a scary place

I was telling a friend of mine a little while ago that I think I might be going through a bit of a "quarter-life crisis" (given that I live that long).

Symptoms of the quarter-life crisis:

Patient A is showing signs of anxiety in regard to "the meaning of life". Ranting, head-scratching, and insomnia are some initial symptoms. The differential diagnosis shows that Patient A may be struggling with what her future looks like, whether she would like to go to law school, do a different graduate degree, or try to get some work experience. Patient A also tested positive for questioning her priorities, and what she actually wants to do with her life. "What is important, she asks?". The patient also seems to be wondering where God is in all of this.

Enough "House" talk. ("It's never lupus!")

This past semester, I've found some new passions...and as good as that sounds...I'm also struggling with them because I'm trying to see whether they "fit" in my life. When I was a little girl (not that long ago, I guess), I wanted to be a journalist. That dream changed soon enough...especially when I entered my faculty and really lost faith in the mainstream media. However, my newfound passion for independent media has made me think twice about the direction I want to take...I've even thought about volunteering with the Co-op Radio Station in the heart of DTES.

After all of this...I'm just confused. I don't know where to go...what decisions to make...to put it cheesily enough, I'm at a crossroads.

GULP.

and a hush fell over the crowd

strange how the weather affects the soul
the weight of snow on the common tree branch
the state of whiteness all around us
is a bit of a coma-inducer

more than a little aversive of holiday cheer
i like to dig my personal hole to hide in
for these questions that consume me
of life, of love and why
they just don't stop

restless heart
without a home

emotional cleavage

sometime last month while chatting with poe online, i overwhelmed her with information about my life. it was nearing the 1am mark, which we have nicknamed as a "free for all" time, where unedifying comments may be made without particular consequence (due to the fact that we're tired and would forget the next day).
as i spilled the beans about what i'm hoping to do in the next couple of years, my anxieties, and other poopslushy (a term invented by myself and my old friend krusty wu) details...i realized that i had officially overwhelmed her AND myself.

ellie: "you know what this is?? it's emotional cleavage!"
poe: "..."
ellie: "seriously! when someone is innappropriately revealing too much! EMOTIONAL CLEAVAGE."
poe: "..."

(she might have laughed at some point too)

but yes...similar to "verbal diarrhea", "emotional cleavage" can be very dangerous! it's a reminder to be tactful during conversations and not impose your thoughts and frustrations on someone else without asking first! therefore readers...be warned...not everyone wants to see your boobs!

the heart of life - john mayer

a daily reminder for me:

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then your circle of friends will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good...

i am a faithful blogger

weeee!!
Three out of four essay poopers have been "excreted"!
The only one left is the one I've been looking forward to the most - I'm doing a news analysis on coverage of urban poverty (most specifically homelessness) in the mainstream media vs. the alternative media=) Yay! I actually WANT to write this one.

I realize that there are still a few things I've been wanting to blog about - including "emotional cleavage", monday night classes, and i've been dying to tell you guys more about amy goodman and the program "democracy now!". what do you want to hear about with the most urgency? ;)

However, at this point, I just want to give thanks for the Lord above for getting me thus far...I haven't had a proper night's sleep in AGES and hope tonight will be a snoozer!

The following have helped me get through the last few nightmarish days:
1) I had a mocha on Monday from Renaissance Coffee on the mountain...such a treat! They make the best mochas! (I don't even like chocolate all that much)
2) Thoughtful folks who have contributed to my news analysis...
3) Midnight cup noodles...SO BAD...yet...SO NECESSARY WHILE WRITING/EDITING THROUGH THE NIGHT.
4) Fat Worm buying me a pack of Halls to get me through the coughing...and also bought me sticky rice for lunch on Tuesday!
5) Coffee, my Japanese Treasures green tea...
6) Tony Bennett and Billie Holiday
7) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert - I like to laugh through my pain.

hiatus!

hello folks...
i am currently pooping out papers GALORE and therefore won't be updating as frequently...so just letting you know that I haven't died suddenly (rather, these papers are killing me softly...) and will be back as soon as things get less hectic. the past few days have been a sign of my pathetic existence...the only real social interaction i had was with my T.A friday while I was making inquiries about my paper...and seeing we were both a little loopy from cold medicine, the conversation was a lot more fun!
it is times like these where I want to dig myself a cave and hide in it...i'm beginning to lose my mind...
someone give me drugs.
e
p.s Jason, thanks for sharing the Red Mountain Music songs...they keep me from banging my head on the wall. Seriously. No, seriously. Seriously.
p.p.s I need more things to keep me sane...but they also need to be of the non-alcoholic/non-hallucinogen variety...I welcome suggestions.
p.p.p.s After November 27th, I will be needing a stiff drink. Who wants to join? ;)

fat worm's birthday - nov.11.2006

the weekend was such a blur due to a series of "special events"...of which the highlight was fat worm's bday!
my parents have the odd incidence of having the same birthday, so we decided to at least get together for lunch on that day. saturday morning, i was rushed to buy last minute gifts for them...and so iris and i scurried off at 11am to buy flowers @ super grocers and to check out the steveston bookstore. we proceeded to purchase some beautiful *irises* at the market, and scavengered (is that a word?) for some collections of short stories at the bookstore. SUCCESS! Off we went to the yum cha place with presents in hand.

although we had reservations, we waited forever for the table...and let's just say the waiting period was not a nice one. I'm not sure whether everybody just had a short temper that day...but it was not pretty. ANYWAYS, let us gloss over that.
It was strange having the whole family around a table again...speaking volumes for me as to how much we all have changed. Mom had her own activities that day, and the rest of us had ours...so we parted ways after lunch.

after food, there was...MORE FOOD. i went shopping solo at city fresh for hotpot "ingredients": shabu shabu meats, beef balls, sui choy, fish tofu, and the likes...and quickly rushed home to bake the cake (a toasted coconut lime chiffon cake!).

all in all, fat worm's bday was a success! we spent the day chilling at home together...watching shaolin soccer and hotpotting! although he was originally hesitant about the cake (my dad is extremely traditional and only really eats cake from chinese bakeries), he enjoyed it! (i put lime-marinated peaches in the middle of the cake with the lime cream just to make it more "chinese")

words cannot adequately demonstrate how awesome my dad is - although stubborn and sometimes stinky, he's such a pillar for us all. as of late, i've really begun to understand that we are here to support each other holistically...when times are rough, they are rough for us all. i'm hopeful in having these relationships - family are folks who pull through for you even when you haven't loved them nearly as much as you should...(to paraphrase veronica mars)

and now...go tell your parents you love them ;)

the humbling taste of failure

I have just received my midterm back from my cultural policy class and received a C+. I'm a bit shocked and quite sad frankly, and feel like knocking my head on a wall about 50 times continuously...

I know I'm going to sound like such an ass saying this...but...I've gotten used to "free riding" through stuff like this. I feel like I've been caught offguard and really need to gather my poor humpty dumpty pieces all over again. GAH!

in other news, i've been thinking about "change" a lot.

The work of salvation means that in your real life things are dramatically changed. You no longer look at things in the same way. Your desires are new and the old things have lost their power to attract you. One of the tests for determining if the work of salvation in your life is genuine is— has God changed the things that really matter to you? (Oswald Chambers)

I've been determining, in my heart, what needs to change within me...what can be transformed in order for God's work of salvation to take place? I think much of it has to do with the need to feel accepted and included...and so, slowly but surely, I'm learning to place that before God as well...to let go of it and set that free for Him to take care of.

Up next for blogging fun:
1) Fat Worm's Bday
2) "Emotional Cleavage"
3) Monday Night Classes @ Grandview

weekly sunday poetry

snoopy dancing like there was no tomorrow
ridiculous choreography done to doo-wop and blues music
chow sing sing movies
a good fragrant cup of tea
or coffee for that matter
can still brighten up a day

being immensely useless with videogames
i am one poorly coordinated soul
but i still have so much fun
losing
and many say that they simply enjoy seeing my "intensity" (you know who you are - my bishi bashi friends)

books that open doors
thank the Lord for writers who love words
ozeki, gaarder, saramago
just to play favourites

i am a theory nerd
especially in my own field
i still remember discovering cultural studies
stuart hall, john fiske, ien ang

and music
where do i begin
piano is home
refuge, comfort, shelter
my personal tabernacle (not in the quebecois vulgar way)
fourths, sixths, diminished
the almighty 2-5-1 in jazz

flowers, yellow roses
sunflowers bring with them the spring
snow, fresh fallen
but even "poopslush" as we called it in montreal
has the capacity of making me nostalgic

gingerbread lattes and maple americano mistos
i occasionally miss
calbee hot and spicy chips
schweppes cream soda
hot bottled vitasoy
curry fishballs and cheung fun
make me a "honger" at heart

soundtracking
is the most fun i ever have, really
its capacity to make me excited
surprises even me

and jamming of course
is a source of great joy
when everything sounds "just right" as goldilocks would say
like a balanced universe
i forget about time

there are so many things i could say
to describe "me"
and i'm only beginning to find out
that there's so much to be had
without trying to please the world

men on TV who make me drool (2006 Edition)

I feel that on a Friday such as today, where the weather absolutely sucks and the mood is generally dampened by poor transit experiences and lack of sleep...there is a deeply ingrained need to talk about absolutely trivial and slightly lusty things=)

in honour of a conversation between a few friends yesterday, in which i made a point that no matter how "taken" you are; it's ok to be physically attracted to other people as long as you don't act upon it...here is a post about some hot men on TV (season 2006).

in no particular standing:

1) matthew fox of "lost" - stranded hot doctor on an unknown/creepy island? unshaved? occasionally shirtless? *drool*! dr.jack shepard is particularly attractive due to his morality and sense of self-sacrifice...and his oh-so-nice-looking everything.

2) john krasinski of "the office" - come on...who doesn't love jim? especially adorable while sporting his messenger bag, and extra delish due to his super sweet, prank-loving alter ego on the show. funny, sensitive, and articulate? be still my heart!

3) patrick dempsey of "grey's anatomy" - who can argue that this guy has the best hair on television? mcdreamy with his confident nonchalance is probably every girl's dream date...i, however, like him solely on the account of his hair!

4) james tupper of "men in trees" - you might say...what is this "men in trees" you speak of? some show with anne heche in alaska? NO THANKS. but hey, i checked it out just for kicks...and the male lead? HOT. he's definitely got the most sculpted, toned, well-built...

...personality on tv this year.

feel free to tell me who's on YOUR list!

do you ever think of yourself as a stereotype?

when i think of the term "family", the first media image that pops in my head is one of the american nuclear family from the 50s...mom, dad, son, daughter all happily grinning at the camera. today i thought: what does the stereotypical chinese family look like? what would the context be?
what i assume it would be, at least for my generation, is this:
1) comprised of mom and dad...still together in large part for the children
2) mom is a homemaker
3) dad is either an "astronaut" or frequently away from home
4) mom and dad do not communicate much, or rarely show affection
5) said children (mentioned in #1) are given high expectations of their future career (and by high expectations, i mean, "raking in the bucks")

there are probably other traits...but those are the usual suspects.

it's weird...i've always seen myself as being "normal" and part of the "chinese family stereotype" - after all, my brother is in med school and i have law school aspirations (how much more stereotypical can it get?)...but i realized today that all of that has shattered.

we are no longer "nuclear", and things run very differently in this household now. i say these words with no particular regret, but simply with a sense that we are shifting. changing, evolving. through circumstances, however hurtful they were and sometimes are, we had to cope and we have...
as i reflected upon this today, i came to a place of thanksgiving for the unforeseen blessings God has showered on me (and our family) through this "shattering of stereotypes"...

i'm beginning to see that love is hard work...and how it is a lifelong journey.

my personal hole-in-the-wall

once every month or so, I like to treat myself to the house salad at this tiny little place on the southeast corner of West Pender and Homer. I believe the place is called "Finch's" but they don't really display the name very prominently on the outside...or anywhere...

The house salad has some greens as a base, cucumbers, pear, blue brie, walnuts, and prosciutto...topped off with a white balsamic dressing and freshly ground black pepper. did i mention that they serve it with fresh baguette? MMmmm...it is wonderfully delicious and makes me smile everytime I eat it. One of the best things about this place is its ambiance - understated but chic, modern but never pretentious. walking in makes me feel like i've bent the space continuum and arrived in paris...=) window-seating also provides a great opportunity for people-watching...

i've grown to really enjoy simply eating for the pleasure of eating...taking my time and not being in a hurry. i used to think that it was "sad" to eat alone...and that I always needed an excuse (a book, a journal, a newspaper) in order to not look pathetic. nowadays, I just enjoy, albeit occasionally, the quiet of my own company...=)

some sunday poetry, folks?

i really enjoy where i am right now, in life
through my narrow sight, i see some growth
some willingness to be uncomfortable
however limited that may be

i am excited, enthusiastic about my research
i love the opportunity
of wearing my heart on my sleeve
and still get away with it

i love
that i greatly admire the educators in my life
may they be professors, pastors, or friends
in them, i see the hope
that burgeons from the impossible

there is possibility here
there is a search for something more
and it is at this point
that i hear the opening lines to snow patrol's "chocolate"
bass drum thumping, repeat guitar riffs crescendo-ing

that this could be the very minute, i'm aware i'm alive
that i too, can make my first steps
as a child of twenty

transit etiquette

taking the bus and skytrain is an integral part of my life as a student...and for those of us who do that day to day, we can all identify with the little issues and annoyances that come up...and how much they affect us.

a few thoughts about people who do not know how to properly behave on the bus/skytrain:
1) chatting loudly on your cellphone while on the bus is inappropriate and distracting. do i care about how much you love your boyfriend? how much your last pair of jeans were? how embarrassed you are for gaining a few pounds? unless i haven't made it clear before: NO, I DO NOT CARE. if i can still hear you while blasting my music, you are TOO LOUD.
2) please don't "dry" your umbrella while people are walking towards your direction on the bus...do i wish to feel the rain you've accumulated splashed upon my face? can i answer that with: do you wish for me to spit in yours?
3) when asked to "go towards the back of the bus"...GO TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE BUS. people are tired and want to go home! can we not try to make sure as many people get on as possible?
4) if you're going to "date" on the bus...cuddle, kiss, STICK YOUR TONGUES INTO EACH OTHER'S THROATS...do not do it in front of me. or ANYONE. is this a romantic setting for you? a lovely stench of sweat and humidity? the assimilation of various types of B.O? do such things turn you on?

alright. enough negativity. now for some hints on how to survive on transit.
1) always sit towards the back of the bus. this ensures that you won't have to give up your seat for anyone. if you are getting off early, sit somewhere that allows you to get off without having to climb over anyone (such as seats facing the side of the bus), or on the exterior seats.
2) feeling antisocial? not a problem! the headphone is the official symbol of "leave me alone...i don't want to talk to you". to further ensure that the person you wish to avoid doesn't come and chat with you, CLOSE YOUR EYES. when you pretend to sleep, and have your headphones on, NO ONE CAN DISTURB YOU.
3) an elaboration on the last point. if you wish to greet someone briefly(you want to be polite...but don't want their life stories), take off one of your earphones. this demonstrates a certain nonchalance about your meeting and establishes the short amount of time in which you wish to talk. make sure to smile after the conversation has come to a pause, and put on your earphones again.

alrighty...that is all for now...when i think of more, i will let you all know.
don't you love my crazy angry side?

a question

first, a message of thanks from wormball (aka iris story bear)
"thank you for all the birthday wishes...happy early/late birthday to all of you too."

angel: she will not reveal her site name until december 12th (the date of the launch).
ange: yes, the person who commented above you is indeed lamegel.

anyways, onto my question:

"the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you." - agree or disagree?