wrestling with God (400th post!)

the other day, I mentioned that I had MEANT to talk about my recent struggles with anger and forgiveness...but ended up somewhere else entirely. :) so, attempt no.2!

the passage in genesis 32 about jacob wrestling with God was on my heart for a period of time when I was struggling with my hurt and disappointment. it was because of something a friend had mentioned while praying for me, and it just stuck with me during my devotion time.

For reference's sake, here's the passage:

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."

But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

The man asked him, "What is your name?"

"Jacob," he answered.

Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."

But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

What I find exceptional about the passage are two things:
1) Jacob's reckless desire to be blessed...it strikes me as desperate.
2) It is during this painful struggle that Jacob witnesses God - this is where he encounters God face to face.

While I was hurting, I was also very confused with God's plan...I couldn't understand why He would take something away from me that appeared to be so blessed by Him in the first place. in my heart, I fought with God...I didn't know why He had allowed for my spirit to be so broken. but as I struggled with these questions - my wrestling with God became something else entirely. I cried out to Him to teach me how to forgive...and how to not let my anger eat me up. like Jacob, I desperately wanted to be blessed - I wanted God to teach me how to honour Him through this ordeal.

And the beauty of it is...His grace and mercy was what got me through it all. I realized the futility of my anger - what can be sown from that anyway? only a greater sense of regret. God showed me that there is possibility of so much more...and He is the only one able to translate my pain into something that can bring glory to Him.


To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. - Isaiah 61:3