in repair

i've been trying to find my way back...
back on track with God, with friends, with family, with school, with plans...and am coming to terms that i am so broken inside. it's almost like picking up the pieces to a broken vase, tenderly trying to clean up the mess, but getting cut in the meantime.
maybe it's my nature to be melancholic, to be "dark and twisty" (quoting Grey's Anatomy), but it just feels like a long time since i've been genuinelly hopeful, and simply happy. I'm having a hard time coming back to the simplicity of life, the breath of fresh air that satiates the lungs...giving courage to keep on this journey.

i was writing on the bus today (with some lady constantly peeking over my shoulder to read my journal), and rereading some old entries as well. I remember talking about healing a few months back...that perhaps instead of waiting for time to heal us...we have to begin the healing process ourselves. i should take my own advice.

in the last while, i've been learning a lot more about the darkness in the world around me, and coming to terms with what jon foreman calls "the beautiful letdown"...

the day i knew that all the riches the world had to offer me would never do
in a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in, fit in until i found out
that i don't belong here...
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong...

i realized that these are the formative years of my life...and that what i do with my knowledge must be a testament of my faith. as "awesome" as this sounds, it also means that these struggles i'm introduced to now; they will continue...and that there are a thousand steps to go.

in the meantime, i'm growing to really love some of my classes. as i chatted with my T.A last night while walking to catch our bus, i just felt this great joy...because I knew that I truly cared about the research that I'm doing and that someone else was supporting me every step of the way. in the next few months, i'm hoping to make lots of new connections, and to full-fledgedly participate in this anti-poverty movement that has begun (i'll talk more about it later).

and in this way, i'm committing to letting some things go.

guide me in Your truth
mold me in Your nature
birth in me a hope to hold on
show me how to wait
teach me how to listen
be in me the strength to let go

may Your beauty deep inside of me resound....

-Starfield

on your 12th birthday...

dear iris,
why am i writing this on my blog, you say? why can't you just write it down on a card like normal people do?
you know me. i'm not normal...and...I thought it might be good for everyone (well, ppl who check this blog) to know just how special you are. and you know...you're an occasional writer on here=)
i know that growing up isn't easy, especially since you live in a house full of weirdos. there are times where you're going to be so frustrated with the world; times where you'll just want to walk away...but, let me remind you...sticking it out is always more rewarding.
you know what's incredible about you? you can ALWAYS make me laugh. i think you're the funniest person i know! your sense of humour is so witty and dry - it makes me feel ok to be me...to be dark and cynical and still laugh in the end!
i'm glad that you still let me hug you...and make a mess of your hair...and that you think i'm "cooler" than dad (clearly, since i do not eat pizza with chopsticks).
on your 12th birthday, i want to let you know that you are beautiful and smart, and everything in between. i know you're going to think i'm cheesy, and sometimes i can be...but iris, you're perfect just the way you are. i hope you remember that.

*don't hit me too hard when you see this*

your sister, butterball

wrinkle in time - xanga posting circa oct 2004

where are we and why are we still here
to co-exist, it takes a little more than a smile
more than a "hi" and a "bye"
more than the occasional remark on the state of humanity
you thrill, you cough up your goodness and expect neutrality
i am not neutral, i will never be neutral
why do you choose? there was never a choice
call it pre-destined, call it whatever the world calls it
but to me, it is truth
you are truth.
stop hiding, numbness will never be classified a strength
don't be a coward, it's about time to start living
life is here. life is now. what will we do?
What will we do?

so I was reading through a bunch of old entries cuz I was clearly procrastinating from my essay writing...and I realized two things:
1) I used an excessive amount of "!"s.
2) I have lost touch with many people who used to comment fervently on my xanga.
Oops...I guess there's one more:
3) Some of the "poetry" I wrote is still relevant...two years later.

sunday reflections

my heart is greedy
always asking for more, criticizing the unsaid
displeased
immaturity bursting at the seams

we all want more love in our lives
surely enough
if you ask some stranger on the street
"would you like to be loved more?"
they certainly would say "yes"

but we work so hard at simply criticizing
externalizing the problem
we forget

all you can ever really do
if you wish to be loved better
is to love others in the same way

truth of the matter is
i ask too much
and give too little

sappy songs

I've recently discovered the lovely "playlist" option on my itunes! subsequently, I composed a "sappy songs" list...(you know, for when I feel crappy)

the funny thing is...all the obviously sappy songs that i have (you know, mariah carey, boyz II men, brian mcknight) don't make it on this list=)
anyways, just wanted to share...feel free to let me know what you listen to when you're not having a good day ;)

in no particular order:
1) india arie - ready for love
2) snow patrol - open your eyes
3) death cab - i will follow you into the dark
4) rachael yamagata - be be your love
5) john mayer - slow dancing in a burning room
6) corinne bailey rae - till it happens to you
7) snow patrol - chasing cars
8) john mayer - dreaming with a broken heart
9) coldplay - warning sign
10) damien rice - cannonball
11) ryan adams - wonderwall
12) the perishers - sway
13) sarah mclachlan - i love you

if you haven't read the last entry...please read it...i posted these two on the same day (the other one had been "drafting")

the new world is falling...

well, i have a midterm tomorrow that i'm fairly unclear about...so here I am, being queen of procrastination.

i've had the fortune in attending a course taught at grandview calvary the past weeks entitled "reading the text/reading the world"...which looks at the poverty in our community (world) and relates it to the biblical call to justice (text). although my mondays are long, i feel a great deal of hope everytime I enter that sanctuary. there is a sense of urgency, a willingness to learn, and a hunger for the Word of God to feed us in how we can better serve and engage in our world.

here are some ruminating thoughts:
1) i remember something being said in regards to what our role should be, as "middle-class" christians in regards to how to serve the poor: if we want to simply help the disenfranchised...that help will not be welcome. what is demanded of us is to stand up with those who fight hunger, lack of housing, disability, abuse, and addiction...we must stand together and fight together. as a united body, we must voice our concerns to the culturally, politically, and economically powerful of our time.
2) "we live in a time of fear and complacency" - i've sensed this in every part of my life. people distrust the government, and no longer believe in the power of the public sphere. although I myself have grown cynical of the lack of communication between citizens and government, that cynicism does not justify complacency. we are in need of an audacity of hope: a hope that shatters the limitations we have placed in ourselves and in our political system.
3) our prejudices and preconceptions about "they way things are" are internalized and requires a renewal on our part. we must challenge our "common sense" and make an effort to see beyond the individual - see beyond the lack of hygiene, the worn-out clothing, the pain - and begin to understand the structural inequalities of the liberal democratic system that we hold in such high regard.

friends, we must be partners in this cause and have the audacity to hope for a better future for everyone in our community: rich, poor, middle class...
learn, inform, act - the way of the open hand is our call.

more to come about this in the near future=)

wise words

"we can't help who we love, but we can help who we are."

and a happy thanksgiving to all...

happy canadian thanksgiving!

when i was a little girl (and i probably still am, i suppose), I used to listen to this radio show called "Children's Time" (Siu Peng Yao See Gan), which included programming that varied from day to day (my favourite was radio theatre), as well as mandarin lessons and storytelling. I LOVED this show, and we have about a hundred tapes chockful of its goodness. Even when we moved to Montreal, my brother and I would listen to the tapes: one of my fondest memories is of us with our "airplane style" lunches our mom prepared for us (due to the fact that we owned a vietnamese restaurant at the time), and we would eat on my bed while listening to the show.
Since our move to this current house (I used to live in the one mile radius...really really close to the Wongs, actually), I have been unable to locate these tapes. Just the other day however, as I crawled through my mom's old tape collection, I found a few of these recordings.

To my surprise, the tapes contained more than the radio show. Apparently, when I was about 4 years old, I LOVED the sound of my own voice (some may argue that I still do). I used to tape myself reading english words...and my mom would guide me along the way. The most hilarious part ws that I could not pronounce "S" and "R" sounds... "Pencil" sounded like "Pentil"...and numbers sounded like "One, Two, Fee, Fo, Five, Tix, Teven"...

Not my brightest moment, as you might realize. However, as I listened to the recording, I was struck by something altogether different. I thought to myself...has it already been 16 years? I don't feel all that far from that little girl's voice (which very much sounded like me...especially when you get to the singing part)...except for the fact that I really miss the sound of my mom's voice. Her cackling, which would develop into a sweeter tone....and her reassurance that I was saying the words "correctly", sounded so wonderful to me. If I could capture that moment in time, and the feelings embedded within it...I felt like I would be ok.

As I reminisced, I realized that what we try to capture and keep; the nostalgia of it all...is simply temporary. No matter what, we would have to continue living...the day to the day present...and reach for the future's embrace while loving the "right now".

wake me up when september ends...

chambar entree: veal tenderloin with potato croquette and green/yellow beans...with balsamic reduction?

chambar dessert: tartes degustation - lemon, apple, and chocolate

first cake: worm mom, chocolate ball, and wormball

me and my dwight bobblehead

second cake: wormball, chocolate ball, and fat worm

open your eyes - snow patrol

since it is now uncool for me to say that "chasing cars" is my favourite love song...(man, i heard it on the radio the other day, and that just made me SAD! call me selfish, but when songs gain radio popularity...it makes me feel like they are no longer "mine").

therefore, i have decided that this is my new favourite "love song".=) Hmmm...however, Grey's Anatomy used it in last week's episode...so maybe it'll gain popularity that way too. that's what happened last time with the use of "chasing cars" in the season 2 finale.

anyways, here are the lyrics:

All of this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts,
And I won't feel these slices and cuts...

I want so much to open your eyes,
cuz I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes
Tell me that you'll open your eyes
Tell me that you'll open your eyes
Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
Cuz they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cuz I need you to look into mine

All of this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you...