when i give myself lemons...

Despair: It's always darkest before it goes pitch black.
Failure: When your best just isn't good enough.
Defeat: For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.
Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

Ok, so maybe i's a bad idea looking at demotivators (from www.despair.com) when you're, well, kinda depressed. I blame it on the people who showed me the site in the first place! (blame is "the secret success to life" after all) they're funny when you're feeling fairly ok about yourself, but they're just bitter when you're feeling like crap.

i like to think that i don't give up easily; i'm not the type to just throw in the towel when things get rough. but you know what? sometimes it's really really tempting to do so. the frustration gets to me, and my mind is just not thinking fast enough...

practice, practice, practice...wisdom for the journey ahead, and above all else, i need to believe that i can CONQUER this. hard work and perseverance do amount to something right? i just gotta fight harder...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH! *kick*

losing one another

last night, an old friend came into starbucks, and it had been so long since I last saw her. she said to me: "i recognized your voice...but...but...it's been so long!"..
we talked briefly, and it was visible that something was happening in her life that she didn't particularly want to discuss (especially when we were divided by counter space)...seeing her made me feel sad...as i wished so much to had been there for her when she was going through a rough patch.

in the years i've spent at rcac (five years almost), i've seen people come and go. and no doubt, those of you who have been around for a long time...you can relate to this. many leave at around my age, or that period of transition between high school and university. many of the friends we made in mark fellowship are no longer attending this church...and it's rather sad that we now remember them only in the context of certain memories. seeing this friend made me hurt...because part of me couldn't help but think that i could have been a better friend, more aware of whatever was happening in her life. we take it too much for granted; these relationships we have with one another. the fact of the matter is; i don't know how to care for someone properly...i don't know how to love properly...and perhaps that is one of the greatest diseases of our time...we are too easy to dismiss compassion and our hearts are too hard to love.

i thank that old friend who reminded me of something that i need to work on in myself. it's too easy to take for granted what we have: our friends, our family, those we love. these relationships, they need to be tenderly taken care of, as one would water, provide shade for, and help a plant grow. let's not treat those who have left us as "lost causes"...i hope and pray that some of these broken relationships can be mended.

for my friends who are going through tough times right now...i don't know what to say to make things better. you know i'm here to cry with you if you want to cry, and you know that I'll be with you when you just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm sorry at my inability to say the right thing at the right time...I suck at that. Like I've said on many accounts...wrestle with God, don't give up on Him. even though the world changes continually, and will one day cave in, God will remain, for His love is unchanging and forever standing.

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

Fat Worm Day (by iris the wombat)

Father's Day was here. So sad for my dad because he only got two slips of paper. He was actually supposed to receive two slips of paper and a pack of gourmet jelly beans, but I ate the gourmet jelly beans without him knowing. How about jalapeno flavour jelly beans, huh?
Anyway, today the phone rang and I had to run into my dad's room to answer it. Yes, how rude of me to not knock before I enter but the phone call was probably something very, very important. So I slammed open the door and suddenly my dad ran into the washroom, screaming. He slammed the door shut and I picked up the phone laughing my head off. (You can wonder why he ran into the washroom screaming. I'll leave that to a mystery.)

7:00 DINNER TIME!!!!

Everyone took their seats and looked at the food that was before them.

My Perspective:
Right in front of me was a pot of mushrooms. I noticed there were bacon bits in it.
Taste: Forgot. But mushrooms will be mushrooms. It has a special edge with the bacon.

In front of the mushrooms was the steak. Beef. Huge.
Taste: It was not "ngun" a.k.a. "tough", and it wasn't dry. Forgot the taste.

Beside the steak was a big bowl of salad.
Ingredients: Red peppers, assorted salad leaves. Dressing: Buttermilk ranch with lemon juice.

Then there were some balls. What balls? Meatballs? No. Potato balls. Potatoes shaped like balls. Irregular sizes.
Skin: Still there.
Taste: Not dry. Potato-y. Good with some of the sauce that was made by the steak. Not fully cooked.

Next Item: Asparagus (Poor, poor Junior) and shrimp.
Shrimp: Tastes different. I ate about an hour ago so I can't recall the taste. Not the usual shrimp kind of taste, but still acceptable. Very acceptable. Colour: Red. Its not raw.
Asparagus: Forgot. But its not bitter like how other asparagus might taste.

Drinks: Ice Up (Very similiar to 7Up)
Orange Juice (Simply Orange, not artificial)
Whine (edit by elaine: she means "wine", but this is so cute!)
Beer

elaine: all in all, we had a lot of fun. perhaps it was the beer, but i say it was the company=) we love you fat worm! even though you're kinda slimy! mmm...sis and i are thinking of filming a series called "the fat worm adventures" and putting them on youtube...but maybe that's not so appropriate?

lament

I spend my time on the empty and the fleeting
I spend my life on much less than what I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new
Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door,
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been to who I need to be....

Majesty, majesty, your grace has found me just as I am
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands
Majesty, majesty, forever I'm changed by Your love
In the beauty of Your majesty

sometimes it's just so hard to know that You are here with me; that You have something wonderful planned for me...for it is so beyond my ability to understand. in my confusion, i cry out to You in desperation...because nothing of this world makes any sense.
my soul is so corrupt...broken down by the spiritual corrosion of my day to day life, in this marketplace society of commodified aspirations. the compassionate too often is overshadowed by the desire to "fit in"...and in the midst of that I'm blocking You out.

Father God, I'm but a shipwreck on Your shore...scarred, burnt out, stubborn...could You take me in Your arms and make me new? I'm learning...learning to let You reign in my life. Your grace...it is altogether fearful and altogether lovely. I'm at a loss for words at the beauty of your sacrifice...frightened by its sheer all-encompassing nature....but at the same time, I realize that Your grace enables and it also forgives me for my humanity.

Thank you for the friendship and the fear.

reflections on ringma's "missional spirituality"

last week, i had the chance to attend a lecture offered at regent by one of my "most favouritest" writers: dr. charles ringma. (who i proudly have stacked chairs with once while at "out of the cold"...he kindly reminded me to not hurt my back)

some of the highlights for me:

incarnational spirituality: spirituality sustained by a willingness to serve
there is a call to particularity, where we choose a specific area and cause rather than trying to "save the world"...what i love most about this concept is that it calls us to enter and immerse into the physical setting to which God has called us to.

canotic spirituality: the commitment to downward mobility - it hit me so hard when he talked about this. we've got to empty our lives...empty our desires...and be willing to commit to a life that isn't necessarily "comfortable". instead of letting myself pave the way, the Spirit must come first; to teach, to guide, to reaffirm.

mission is embodied by darkness and light....there are times when nothing appears to happen, but there are also times of harvest...it's always vulnerable. by the grace of God, we are faithful, and we adhere to a spirituality of hope; but at the same time be open to experiencing pain and hurt."hope looks to the God who is ahead of us...a place where He has already envisioned..."

exodus spirituality: the invitation to move out of where we are to the other...to engage, befriend, join and journey...it's also the exodus of oneself, coming to terms with our own failures and deciding to follow Christ in mission. the call to leave behind our own "egypts", where we are comfortable and settled, and into the desert where we do not always know the answers.

the thoughts put together in the lecture served to remind me of what i've been learning about all year. whether that's through seeing and experiencing a little piece of Camden, being inspired by people who choose to commit to "downward mobility" in order to fill the needs of their communities, or learning about the injustices that are structural to our governments and economies....

to end, an excerpt from jim wallis' the soul of politics:
"Contradictions is the word that describes our state of mind and heart. We are increasingly buffeted by contradictory realities. A rampant individualism separates us from one another, and yet we feel a deep longing for community and a sense of belonging. Consumerism has reached unprecedented proportions and excesses, far eclipsing citizenship as the dominant means of social participation in affluent societies. But at the same time, we experience a profound hunger for seeing life as more than an acquisitive venture..."

now...the question is...how do i go about fulfilling this hunger for something more?