in repair

i've been trying to find my way back...
back on track with God, with friends, with family, with school, with plans...and am coming to terms that i am so broken inside. it's almost like picking up the pieces to a broken vase, tenderly trying to clean up the mess, but getting cut in the meantime.
maybe it's my nature to be melancholic, to be "dark and twisty" (quoting Grey's Anatomy), but it just feels like a long time since i've been genuinelly hopeful, and simply happy. I'm having a hard time coming back to the simplicity of life, the breath of fresh air that satiates the lungs...giving courage to keep on this journey.

i was writing on the bus today (with some lady constantly peeking over my shoulder to read my journal), and rereading some old entries as well. I remember talking about healing a few months back...that perhaps instead of waiting for time to heal us...we have to begin the healing process ourselves. i should take my own advice.

in the last while, i've been learning a lot more about the darkness in the world around me, and coming to terms with what jon foreman calls "the beautiful letdown"...

the day i knew that all the riches the world had to offer me would never do
in a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in, fit in until i found out
that i don't belong here...
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong...

i realized that these are the formative years of my life...and that what i do with my knowledge must be a testament of my faith. as "awesome" as this sounds, it also means that these struggles i'm introduced to now; they will continue...and that there are a thousand steps to go.

in the meantime, i'm growing to really love some of my classes. as i chatted with my T.A last night while walking to catch our bus, i just felt this great joy...because I knew that I truly cared about the research that I'm doing and that someone else was supporting me every step of the way. in the next few months, i'm hoping to make lots of new connections, and to full-fledgedly participate in this anti-poverty movement that has begun (i'll talk more about it later).

and in this way, i'm committing to letting some things go.

guide me in Your truth
mold me in Your nature
birth in me a hope to hold on
show me how to wait
teach me how to listen
be in me the strength to let go

may Your beauty deep inside of me resound....

-Starfield