is this the new year or just another desperation?

"Come and gather to see what the Lord has done..."

Today is ultimately a day of reflection. As well, I believe much of it to be simply a continuation, as someone mentioned in passing a few days back. It is not some pivotal time of change, where drama will begin or cease, but rather an extension of what has been going on in our lives. Having said that, one can't help but look back and connect the consonants, which are the various events we remember; to the vowels, which give them meaning. The vowels bring life to the consonants, as we begin to see the past year in words rather than letters...hopefully, everything weaves together to form a coherent passage.

As I reflect upon the last year, all I can think about is you.
It's a strange thing isn't it? It's been nineteen years since I was first put in your care
From the first instance the doctor put me in your arms, you knew I was yours
You taught me to do what every toddler wishes to accomplish: to talk, to walk...but you always gave me more: you taught me how to play, how to discover, and how to love life
You taught me to do what every child desires: to run around, to make my first friend, to hold my first hand...but you always gave me more: you taught me to love food, care for my brother, and most importantly, you showed me how to love God
You taught me to do what every teenager craves for: to grow into an adult, to dream big, to have people to love...but you always gave me more: you taught me about heartbreak, the shortcuts I can take, and to embrace the music that you've given birth to within me

As an adult, things became different.

You became so confident that I no longer needed you...that we no longer needed you. You've failed to understand that I so want you to be here every morning, just so I can wish you a "Good Morning" and to kiss you on the cheek. Now all that you've left me with are remnants of the past, nostalgia that I grab hold of in order to console myself. I miss you and how you always were in the kitchen with me...always my guide, my teacher, the one I ran to when I had no idea how to fix something. When I clean, cook, and run errands...I think of you...because you taught me all those things. You taught me self-sufficiency, independence, and how to take care of my family. You taught me to pick the good vegetables from the bad, the recipe to the best portuguese chicken ever, and what it means to run a household. These are all that I'm left with...because you are barely here now. All I have of you is in me...and yet, this emptiness fails to be made whole again.

I miss you and I wish for this new year to be better. It's getting too hard to cry.