one is the loneliest number
do you think that...as we strive to be good, to be people who are worthy to be loved, that we lose ourselves in the process?
in the fear of being rejected and of being told that you're simply not good enough (of course, this is done in very subtle ways), we run away as far as possible from who we are. the world can indeed be very vicious; we are so susceptible to judging on first impressions and lingering on aesthetic beauty that we become inept in connecting to another person's intellect or heart when we first encounter them. life as one beauty pageant...may not be so far from the truth.
I often find myself "constructing" who I am through the people I love...and perhaps it's inevitable. we are clearly influenced by each other, and most of these common interests are genuine. I simply find it intriguing that I feel the need to "try"...by twisting and turning who I am. self-love is the hardest love to bear; and I am still learning that lesson. what I am most concerned about however, is not "me". I am afraid that my own fears of loneliness disenfranchises me from loving more and loving better. it's much too easy to dwell on our weaknesses, and much harder to open up those weaknesses for God to come in. the battle with loneliness is fertile ground for God to plant seeds of hope: those that will enable me to see things from the bottom-up and with greater sensitivity.
I am too often scared of life...and never as confident as I ought to be in the power of the cross.
If we die with Him, we will also live with Him. If we endure hardship, we will reign with Him. If we deny Him, He will deny us. If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is.
(props to whoever knows where this verse is from! seminary students not included)
posted by vespertine @ 8:04 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Oh! Oh! I know the answer BUT I'm disqualified.
If you ever get a chance, Dorothy Day, "The Long Loneliness", story of a journalist finding faith in God and community with the disenfranchised of society. When I read it, I thought to myself, I have got to get e a copy of this. It helped me get in touch with my own feelings of loneliness and sometimes it helps to know that someone out there understands. Loneliness is incurable ... this side of heaven. The number 2 or 3 or 4 for that matter, might not be any less lonely.
I used to pride myself in knowing that I can see the best in people, most of the time, and be able to focus on these qualities instead of the negative. I would then adopt these qualities because I admired these people and wanted to be liked for the same reasons. Eventually, it led me to believe I was the person everyone else wanted me to be...a hole I dug for myself. It can be scary waking up one morning feeling like you lost yourself to other people because their opinion mattered more than your own.
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