wrestle the angel for more than a feeling, more than a cause...

sleep has not been my friend. I am like a "lo benh"(old cookie)...i am so not kidding about nineteen going on thirty.

you know when jack bauer says "this is the longest day of my life" on 24?(well, in season one)...i felt that the last two days. It's not really the "doing" that gets tiring, but rather the "thinking of doing". the feeling of never-ending work. the work itself is fine...but then to know that there is more to do after i finish this book, or finishing this shift; that's really tough.
as i visited urban promise in vancouver yesterday, i realized my need to just stop and write.

which brings us to today. after my morning class, i just sat down to write. my thoughts, my questions....and here's an excerpt:

we live in the breakdown. we live in the collision of our depravity and God's divinity. we are the broken, we are the shadows, we are the imperfection. we are the living dead. and yet we await a King, coming in the light of His glory. Majesty, the unavoidable and constant sunshine, permeating us with its warmth, propelling us to our knees in an incapacity to understand the sheer all-encompassing nature of grace.

and so we must love.

the reason of my own "yuppie unhappiness" often has to do with feeling unloved, forgotten, unimportant. in desiring to be loved and accepted, I realize that I need to learn to love. letting go of individual relationships, and rather, adopting an attitude that is inclusive. indeed, we are the disenchanted. maybe if i dedicate my life to a love that goes beyond my own yuppie happiness, I will be filled by the fullness of God's love. maybe extending myself is the only way to be "satisfied inwardly". my humanity prevents me from understanding the strength of God and the role He can play in life. but at the same time, it is my humanity that allows His strength to break through my weakness.

we seek comfort in things, in consumer culture, in celebrity overload, in friendships and friends, in family....strangely, we rarely seek comfort in the service of God. When we are low, or busy, we always say: "I must work this out first before giving...", forgetting that in surrendering our lives lies the answer.

maybe God puts people in our lives to show us that it is in extending ourselves that we "find" ourselves. i know for me, that is the case. there will always be questions, insecurity...we're all so"scared of dying here alone"...but i think seeing beyond "me" is the first part of the answer.